For those in the TTC (trying to conceive) community and for our loved ones who know better- that joke can come across as insensitive and hurtful.

Today I want to share why I think it’s not funny to pull the “I’m pregnant”joke on April Fool’s Day– or any day for that matter.

I am in no way speaking for the entire infertility community, but I do speak for myself and I think it might represent what someone else feels, too.

I have been in this boat for almost eleven years. I have felt the ups and downs that come along with infertility. I have felt at peace with it, and I have felt broken by it.

I have gotten pregnant, and had babies, and I have felt the emptiness that comes with wanting more.

Why should you not “joke” about pregnancy?

Why does it “hurt” someone else?

Why is it a big deal?

When you are struggling with infertility- or miscarriage or infant loss- you experience many triggers that take you to a sad or hard place.

You will have good days and bad days, and just as with PTSD, or other traumas, something might hit you out of no where that sends you into a spiral.

I would venture to say that for most everyone who cannot get pregnant or has had failed fertility treatments- seeing  pregnancy announcements  can be  trigger.

I have to add this disclaimer: this is not to say we don’t love our friends and family members who are pregnant- because we do.

Because at the very least- pregnancy announcements can tug at the heart. It reminds you of what you want and can’t have, or what you’ve lost.

And for a split second your heart crumbles.

For some, that’s all it is. Then they can pick themselves up and move on and be happy.

For some- depending on where they are at on their journey- it is a trigger that can be so, so hard.

It might send someone into a fit of tears, or feelings of agony and despair (might I add that sometimes these feelings cannot be helped, it is a knee-jerk reaction that happens with no warning) ; it could send all sorts of feelings through your mind and body. Feelings of jealousy, anger and bitterness. You might feel sad, and wonder why? Why them and not me?

These are not fun feelings. And over time they lessen, are easier to control, or don’t last as long. But imagine having to be sent down into a spiral, to feel all the feelings, just to be told “Just kidding!”

It’s awful to add guilt for feeling jealous, or angry for “nothing”.

It can be hard to come back from that “place” and get back to normal. Once you’ve been hit with a trigger, or experienced such emotional pain, it is hard to snap back easily. Someone’s “joke” could quite easily send someone into a sadness or funk that lasts days.

For myself, after feeling sad after others announce pregnancy, I always eventually come to a place where I am okay and truly happy for them. But that has taken time, and it has gotten easier, then harder, then easier again.

Even for the person who has  truly gained peace with their situation- they might still remember the ache- and feel for their loved ones who are still in a hard place in their life. And seeing those announcements makes them ache for their friends and family.

I read an opinion on Facebook where someone was appalled that people were asking others not to joke about this. She said “we need to not walk on egg shells” all the time. And while I agree to an extent (people will always be offended by something) I think there are just some things we don’t joke about.

Infertility needs to be one of them.

Would someone joke about having cancer? Or the death of a loved one?

I really don’t think so.  Studies have shown that people diagnosed with infertility feel the same depression, heartache and emotions as those with cancer. If you haven’t experienced infertility this may same like an exaggeration, but sadly, achingly, I know how true it is.

That is why I am so passionate about sharing my story. And why I feel it so important to raise awareness and compassion. It is so common.

And while we can’t be politically correct all the time, or avoid everything that hurts us, I think we can at least do what we can to “try” not to cause unnecessary pain for others.

I firmly believe that when faced with whether to do something hurtful or unkind, we should all choose to just be a little more kind and to forgo doing something that might seem funny in the moment, and to choose compassion toward others instead.

The post Why The April Fool’s Day “I’m Pregnant!” Joke is Offesive appeared first on Infertili.Tees.

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No matter what stage you lose a pregnancy it can be devastating and heartbreaking.

It can take a physical and emotional toll on someone.

Some people choose to be open and talk about their loss, while others decide to keep it more private. Whatever you choose to do please know that you should not be ashamed or embarrassed about having a miscarriage. Most importantly, it is important to have at least one other person you confide in.

We asked our readers to help us come up with the best and worst advice they were given during their miscarriage. Almost everyone mentioned the importance of having a good support system and appreciating people actually acknowledging their loss.

We’ve compiled a list of the best and worst advice you can give to someone who is experiencing a miscarriage, along with a few ways you can help yourself.

How to Help Someone:

• Send flowers, drop off a card, their favorite treat, etc.
• Hugs
• Send a text
• Cry with them
• Allow them to grieve. Consider saying “Take your time, self care is the most important thing. Don’t rush your recovery process”
• Express your love for that person and the baby they just lost.
• Recognize this is a loss for that person, validate their feelings
• Bring dinner
• Ask about the man in the relationship, too.
• Watch for their cues, if you bring dinner, don’t expect to be invited in, respect their space
• Acknowledged the miscarriage. If you don’t know what to say , don’t just stay silent. Saying “I don’t have the words but I love you” is better than saying nothing at all
• Remember what their due date would have been and when that day comes- send them flowers, a text, dinner or anything to show them that you care and remember their angel baby.

Things not say:

• “At least you can get pregnant” ( TIP: Avoid any sentence that begins with “at least”)
• “I hear you’re super fertile after a miscarriage”
• “What did you do to cause it?”
• “Did you even want the pregnancy?”
• “Did you bleed a lot?”
• “The pain will go away”
• “I know you’ll get pregnant again”
• “Be grateful for the children that you have” ( note: it is possible to be simultaneously grateful and grieve at the same time)
• “Maybe God doesn’t think you are ready to be a mom”
• “You probably don’t want kids anyway!”
• “Keep your chin up, stay positive”
• “You gotta move on,  don’t let it weigh you down”
• “Just relax next time”
• “You can have mine! My kids are driving me crazy”

How to cope going through a miscarriage:

• Journal
• Talk openly
• Name your baby, celebrate their due date each year
• Consider getting testing done to see what caused the miscarriage
• Don’t pretend it didn’t happen
• Join an online support group
• Be prepared with supplies: heating pads, maxi pads, pain medicine.
• Rest up
• Serve someone else
• Pray
• Meditate

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Those battling infertility often find themselves having a difficult time when others become pregnant and have babies.

It is a valid feeling, and normal and natural to feel that way.

But it is  the worst feeling, too. To not be immediately happy, or excited for those you love.

Over time you might eventually not feel that way but it takes a lot of energy, faith, prayer and resilience to get to that point.

It’s important to know that you can still be happy for others, while being sad for yourself.

Finding out someone else is pregnant can be a huge trigger for someone experiencing infertility.

It can make or break your day. It can can make or break your mood, your sense of peace and your faith.

It can send you down a path of sadness, jealousy, bitterness and resentment. It is the worst of all the feelings you can feel. Not only because it makes you feel miserable, but because you probably feel guilty for feeling that way toward someone you love.

If you are pregnant and need to tell someone you love who is battling infertility, there are a few sensitive ways you can do so.

Of course, you don’t have to think about others and how they might feel, you don’t have to be considerate of the feelings of those around you- but if you do care- then please take note.

Tell the person privately

You might want to announce your pregnancy at a big family gathering or on social media- and that is great! But if you know someone has been trying to get pregnant consider giving them a heads up before you do it publicly.

When you announce a pregnancy in a large group, those who may struggle with infertility might not have  control over how they react. It could take all the energy they can muster to not burst into tears right then and there- therefore taking away from your big moment.

When you tell someone in private it gives them time to gather their thoughts, feelings and composure before having to hold it together in a crowd or even in front of one or two other people.

Be compassionate

Yes, this is your pregnancy and you have every right to be excited and happy- but if you are about to tell your sister, best friend or co-worker that you are pregnant do what you can to offer support.

I have had relatives and friends preface their announcement to me by recognizing  my heart- ache.

They told me how they know it can be hard for me to hear people are pregnant but that they love me and wanted to tell me themselves. They validated my journey and made it easier for me to be honest and open with them.

Text, phone call, email, message

Sometimes telling someone via text message, email, or phone call is the best policy.

Know your audience and your relationship and decide how you think that person would want to be told.

Being told someone is pregnant through a text message might be offensive to some people, others might appreciate the space it allows them to gather their thoughts before responding.

When you get an email or text with that announcement it gives you time to process the news and not have to react face-to-face.

Don’t keep it a secret

No matter how much it might hurt to hear one more pregnancy announcement, it will hurt even more for a close friend or family member to keep it a secret. I would much rather know about it than know my loved one was afraid to tell me, or trying to keep it quiet. Through open communication you can both better understand one another.

As in all things, honesty is always the best policy.

A few closing thoughts 

It is a given that we cannot always know how people might respond to different events in our life.

Pregnancy is a miracle and a joyful thing- yet it can be so hard to hear about when it is something that is not happening for you.

And unless you’ve been there- unless you’ve experienced a loss or infertility we don’t expect you to understand that pain.

But yes, it might make me sad to know you are pregnant.

Just know that I am feeling sad for me and for what I cannot have and I’m not mad at you and I am happy for you the best way I know how.

The post How To Tell Your Infertile Friend You Are Pregnant appeared first on Infertili.Tees.

Infertility has a been a part of my life since 2007.

As a little girl I always wanted a big family. I have three sisters and two brothers- and having so many siblings was definitely a factor in wanting a lot of kids.

My husband and I met on a blind date, and were married almost one year later in April 2007. Together we compromised and decided we would love to have four children. How simple it seemed that would be!

After being married six months I convinced my husband that we needed to start “trying” for a baby. We told a few friends and family members and everyone was so excited for us. They were certain it would happen soon and we would be well on our way to creating the family we dreamed of. Even though I was really excited to begin this journey, I remember having a “feeling” that it might not be easy for us.

I had no real reason to feel this way. I always had regular cycles, and I had not been diagnosed with anything that would make it hard to conceive. I am a worrier by nature, but it was more than just being paranoid. But I pushed the feelings away and we began moving forward with trying to start our family.

After an agonizing six months of negative pregnancy tests, we felt strongly that we needed to look into getting some tests done. Those first six months were so very hard me. I watched countless friends and family members become pregnant and continually wondered when it would be “our turn.” I called my OBGYN, and she immediately agreed that we should start doing some tests to see if something was going on to prevent us from getting pregnant.  Most doctors begin testing only after you have been trying for a year- so we felt very blessed that my doctor was so proactive so early on.

For the next three or four months I went in for countless blood tests and ultrasounds. All of the results came back normal.

We then also had my husband go in for tests. It was then that we found out we had male factor infertility. Because of those results, our doctor suggested we go ahead with Artificial Insemination (IUI).

We were so excited to get to this step! That year we were consumed with all things fertility.

I used ovulation strips, tracked signs and symptoms, checked my body basal temperate every morning, obsessed over online message boards, and we even resorted to buying things like “Pre-Seed” to boost our chances. However, I did learn so much that year.

I felt very informed on fertility and everything that involved conception. I educated myself so I knew that we had done all we could do.

Exactly one year after we began trying, we went in for our first round of IUI in January 2009. We were incredibly blessed and ecstatic to find out a few weeks later that we were finally pregnant! Our baby girl was born in September of that year and we had never been happier.

When she was 18 months old, we returned to our doctor to try for a second child. Because we were so successful with IUI before, we had high hopes that it wouldn’t take long this time. And it didn’t. On our third round of IUI, we found out it had worked and we were expecting again!

At this point I felt that our infertility was under control.

I had accepted the fact that we would most likely always need to do these procedures to get pregnant. I was at peace with it. I learned that our story was just that. Ours. And that it didn’t help to compare ourselves to others.

Our second daughter was born five weeks early in December 2011, due to me having placenta previa. She came into this world at four pounds, but was healthy and strong and was able to avoid time in the NICU all together.  We were a family of four and we felt so happy.

When our second daughter was 18 months old, we again, headed to the doctor to try for a third baby.

That was in July 2013 and we are currently still waiting on our miracle.

Over the past five years we have done 15 rounds of IUI.

None of them successful.

In 2015 we were blessed to be able to do IVF. It was an emotional, yet amazing experience.

Two weeks after our egg transfer we were told I was pregnant but that our HCG level was really low. I went in for follow up blood work two days later to be told that the pregnancy was no longer viable and that my HCG levels were going down. They called it a Chemical Pregnancy.

Going through that heart break was what I consider one of the most devastating, and faith trying experiences of my life. There are no words to describe the way your heart breaks after failed IVF. Even though we felt so helpless and lost, we also felt a lot of comfort and peace and were surrounded by amazing family members and friends who rallied around us.

We felt that we needed to continue our journey. About five months later, we moved forward with doing another round of IVF using our two frozen embryos from our first round. I was at a good place emotionally, and had many experiences that confirmed to us that this was the right direction to take.

Going through IVF for a second time was just as hard physically and emotionally as it was the first time. But we felt hopeful that it would work. In October 2015 we had our egg transfer. Two weeks later, we were again told that I was pregnant. My HCG level was higher than last time, but still low enough that they wanted to check the levels again. Two days later, our world came crumbling down again, when we were told that we were yet again having a Chemical Pregnancy.

It was much harder the second time. That had been our last hope. I felt broken, lost, mad, and devastated. But with those feelings and emotions also came sacred and spiritual experiences, and fleeting moments of clarity and peace. Again, we were surrounded by so many people who held us up, comforted us, and showed us their love. If nothing else, going through the heartache we went through showed us how good people are. We were served by so many and our hearts were touched. We will never forget the outpouring of love we received and we feel so incredibly blessed to be able to have experienced it.

 At this point we both had spiritual confirmations that we now needed to fully leave it in God’s hands and put our faith in Him. We felt the need to focus on our family of four and put all of our energy into our two miracles and move forward- away from the fertility medications, shots, pills, doctor appointments, and tests. For three years we had been living our life around all of those things, and we needed to take a break to feel free of them.

We will be the first to tell people how blessed we are to have two daughters. TWO!

Two more than many would dream of. We will never take them for granted or not realize how blessed we are. But it doesn’t take away the pain we feel not being able to have another, or to not have the control over deciding our family is complete.

I often feel like I need to justify our desire to have a third to others, but I’m learning that I don’t need to do that. We can be grateful for what we have, while still longing for what we don’t. But in doing so, we are learning to live our life and be happy.

And each day gets easier, with a few setback along the way. My heart will always long to be pregnant again- and we believe in miracles and hope we get one- but I’m learning to see how perfect our family is for us right now, too.

Over the past five years we have done 15 rounds of IUI, 2 rounds of IVF, I’ve had 2 minor surgeries to remove polyps from my uterus, we’ve spent thousands of dollars, I’ve had hundred of shots, pills, medications, appointments, breakdowns and tears.

But we’ve also gained great sympathy, compassion, love, understanding and acceptance. We’ve felt the lowest lows, but the most amazing highs- that can only be felt once you’ve hit bottom.

It’s my hope and desire to help spread awareness about infertility.

To help others not feel alone in this trial, and to help others feel judged less because of it.

I am not an expert but I do have a lot of experiences under my belt. Because of this trial I have learned so much, but more importantly I have learned to have compassion for others. I have learned how to endure and have patience even when it is seems unbearable.

And I am continuing to learn how infertility can be a blessing in my life.

As I have endured this trial over the past 10 years my passion for spreading awareness has increased.

Writing is therapeutic for me and it is a way for me to share my feelings. But often, as I write, I feel inspired by what I type and looking back the words I share are almost always something I am needing to be reminded of myself. I know I am not on this journey alone and my faith in a loving Heavenly Father helps me through it all- including when I share my message.

At Infertili.tees it is our hope to spread awareness through written word and apparel. Wearing your heart on your sleeve so to speak, is just one way to show others what you are going through is important.

I hope that here you will feel safe, empowered and informed in all things infertility, family and faith. Please look for our shop coming soon with graphic tees and prints that will help spread infertility awareness.

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