Earlier this year I found myself questioning whether or not I had truly found forgiveness related to a trial I had gone through in my life many years ago.

I hadn’t really given it much thought until this past year but I knew I needed to know for myself if I had.

It was important for me to understand if what I was feeling was forgiveness or not.

Being vocal about forgiveness was scary for me.

It was approaching the 17 year mark of the shooting at Columbine High School of April 20, 1999.

My social media feed was consistently filled with posts, interviews and opinions from all sorts of people expressing their thoughts on the tragedy that took place at my high school.

It made me step back and desire to know for myself where I stood. If I had forgiven – what did that mean?

Did it mean I was okay with what two individuals  chose to do that day? Did it mean I no longer cared?

Did it mean I was no longer affected by it?

As I sat and listened to Elder Duncan’s talk during General Conference last April part of his address truly resonated with me.

“TO FORGIVE IS NOT TO CONDONE.
WE MISTAKENLY THINK THAT IF  WE FORGIVE, SOMEHOW JUSTICE WILL NOT BE SERVED AND PUNISHMENTS WILL BE AVOIDED.
HE HAS TAUGHT US THAT WE CAN FORGIVE! EVEN THOUGH WE MAY BE A VICTIM ONCE, WE NEED NOT BE A VICTIM TWICE BY CARRYING THE BURDEN OF HATE, BITTERNESS, PAIN, RESENTMENT, OR EVEN REVENGE. WE CAN FORGIVE, AND WE CAN BE FREE!” — ELDER KEVIN R. DUNCAN

His words spoke to me.

It was then that I knew that  I had found forgiveness  but doing so did not mean I was condoning the act.

I felt so much weight lifted off of my shoulders.

I indeed felt free from the burden I was carrying with me all those years.

Everyone goes through different hardships in life.

People will  come in and out of our life who may hurt our feelings, or cause harm to us or those we love in the form of actions or words.

And there will come a time when each person will need to decide to forgive or not.

I know I have been offended by individuals and it has been hard to let go of those feelings.

I have had experiences where I knew I needed to forgive those who had wronged me.

I could see how my resentment toward others was affecting my emotional and spiritual well being.

“THE SAVIOR’S ATONEMENT IS NOT JUST FOR THOSE WHO NEED TO REPENT; IT IS ALSO FOR THOSE WHO NEED TO FORGIVE. IF YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE FORGIVING ANOTHER PERSON OR EVEN YOURSELF, ASK GOD TO HELP YOU. FORGIVENESS IS A GLORIOUS, HEALING PRINCIPLE. WE DO NOT NEED TO BE A VICTIM TWICE. WE CAN FORGIVE.”

I believe with all my heart in the power of prayer.

As I have prayed to my Heavenly Father asking for my heart to be softened toward others I have seen the difference it has made in my life and in my relationships.

Our world is a beautiful place with so much good. But these are trying times with a lot of evil and scary things happening. I take heart in the comforting words of Elder Duncan that forgiveness is possible.

“AS VICTIMS, IF WE ARE FAITHFUL, WE CAN TAKE GREAT COMFORT IN KNOWING THAT GOD WILL COMPENSATE US FOR EVERY INJUSTICE WE EXPERIENCE. ELDER JOSEPH B. WIRTHLIN STATED: “THE LORD COMPENSATES THE FAITHFUL FOR EVERY LOSS. … EVERY TEAR TODAY WILL EVENTUALLY BE RETURNED A HUNDREDFOLD WITH TEARS OF REJOICING AND GRATITUDE.”– ELDER KEVIN R. DUNCAN

For me- being able to forgive meant I was able to free myself from feelings of bitterness and hate.

I was able to see the blessing in my life more clearly and I could more easily see the joy that comes after the storm.

I am grateful for the Atonement and the ability to find forgiveness in my life.

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This picture was taken on my sister Diana’s 17th birthday, which happens to be March 22nd.

On April 20th 1999, just a little over a month after this picture was taken, our world changed forever.
I often look at this picture and think back to what it was like pre-Columbine.

 It’s hard to remember because I’ve lived so much of my life after Columbine, but seeing pictures from before it happened is always a little tender for me.

 I was so innocent.  I had no idea what was coming.  We were just living our lives and had no idea what was right around the corner.

But I’m grateful for the innocence I had. I’m grateful that a school shooting was something that literally never crossed my mind.

Heck, even though I had just heard gun shots- when I saw my principal running toward us towards the direction of the gym my “innocent and naive” mind thought that a cheerleader had fallen off a pyramid routine and that’s why the principal was running. True story. I rarely tell that part of my story because it is so silly! But it speaks volumes.

Back then school shootings didn’t happen like they do now. Our kids today go to school having lock down drills knowing it could be a reality. I’m grateful I had 9 years of school under my belt before I had to even worry about that.

 It’s a silver lining for me, but so heart breaking for others.

As I think about my 15 year old self after going through Columbine, there are some things I wish someone had been there to tell me.

And there a lot of things I would have told myself then now that I have more perspective and time on my side.

I would have told my 15 year old self that she would be okay.

I would tell her that it was okay- not to be okay, too.

I would tell her that time does heal wounds and that time would be something to cherish and appreciate. And that “healing” doesn’t mean you are going to forget and it doesn’t mean you are “over it” or that you don’t care. It means the cuts aren’t as deep and sharp as they once were and that you now have scars instead of wounds.

And scars are there to remind you of what you’ve been through. It doesn’t mean it didn’t happen- because you know it did- but it doesn’t hurt as much.

I would tell her that life is still going to be hard – and Columbine might not even be the hardest thing you’ll experience.  Going through a school shooting doesn’t mean your trials are over. Be prepared for more of life’s unexpected blows.  But know that each trial and hardship will just prepare you for the next thing to come your way.

I would tell her that she would go on to have a really good high school experience.

That when she looked back on it- it would be the memories of friends, and teachers and fun weekends that she would remember fondly. And yes, the healing and grief of the trauma would be there, too.  But how amazing a feeling to know you got through it.

I would tell her that you will be help others one day because of what you are going through. And that will be the most rewarding part that will even make you feel at peace with what you’ve been through.

 You will show others that life can be happy again. You can help others see that life doesn’t have to be over and that there is so much good in the world and good to live for.

I would tell her that Columbine doesn’t have to define you. Yes, you are who you are in part because of what you went through. That’s okay! Our experiences are supposed to shape us into who we are.

But you  don’t have to  live your life  as “the girl who went to Columbine”. You are Cindy, and you went to Columbine, but that’s not what you are.

I would tell her that grief is a funny thing.

That Columbine will effect the rest of your life and that even though you will come a long way, you will always hold on to certain tendencies or actions and you will have to live with all the after effects of trauma.

And it won’t be fun. And it can  make life hard at times. But you will be stronger for it.

I would tell her to be prepared to have those nightmares forever.

 But in time, they won’t be every night, every month or even every year. But be prepared for them. And learn how to pick yourself up when you have those set backs because they can be so debilitating- but you can’t let it run your life.

I would tell her that giving messages of hope and faith and endurance and forgiveness will be the most important part of this journey.

I’ve had 20 years to think about things.

When I first started out on this journey when I was just barely 15 years old I thought my life was over.

I cried every day for a long time. I couldn’t see past my experience. And that’s normal to feel that way after going through a trauma like I did. And I, like so many other of my fellow classmates, just figured it out a long the way.

 We were some of the firsts to go through this. And I wonder if I had someone there to tell me these things, if it would have helped.

I’d like to think it would.

 But all I can do now is be grateful for each and every set back, and experience I’ve had because of it.

Because now I do have that perspective to look back and see the rainbow through the storms.

I’m grateful that I had 15 years pre-Columbine and I’m even more grateful that I’ve had these 20 years after.

The post A Letter To My 15 Year Old Self appeared first on Infertili.Tees.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: PTSD is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or a dangerous event. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can be described as a mental health condition that’s triggered by a trauma. Whether experiencing it or seeing it. The symptoms include flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, depression and confusion.

As a 15 year old freshman girl I was at school on April 20, 1999 at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado when two students opened fire and killed 12 students, one teacher, wounded dozens and then killed themselves.

This was my  trauma.

For years I didn’t realize that  what I was experiencing was PTSD. But I had all the symptoms.

Flashbacks. Anxiety. Depression. Confusion. Nightmares.

I used to think the only way someone could have PTSD was to have been a soldier at war. But now I know PTSD is so common and it can happen to anyone who has experienced a trauma.

Something scary. Something shocking.

Although I was not injured at the school that day I did hear gun shots.

I hid, I felt fear. I was confused, I was lost, I was angry. I felt as if I lost all control of  my life. I felt anxiety.

Sound familiar?

Going through infertility can bring up all those feelings, too. I know they have for me.

There are all sorts of levels of trauma. There is the trauma of being in a school shooting (like myself) and then there is the trauma related to infertility, which I also experience.

So what does my infertility PTSD look like?

I have been blessed with two daughters through the miracle of IUI.

But for ten years I have had dozens and dozens of doctor appointments, paid thousands of dollars in treatments, spent hundreds of hours with doctors, nurses, in the hospital or at the RE clinic. I have taken hundreds of ovulation tests, pregnancy tests and even more shots and pills.

My stomach has been in knots as I’ve waited for important emails and phone calls from medical professionals, I’ve waited anxiously in nothing but a gown in a cold doctor’s office.

I’ve felt the highest of highs  the lowest of lows and have felt as if my world was crumbling down around me. I’ve grieved. I’ve wept in my bed for hours,  and walked around like a zombie due to hormone medication that made me feel like someone I didn’t even recognize.

Sound familiar?

That is trauma.

It can be a traumatic experience to go through infertility.

So don’t be surprised if at some point on your journey- whether that means you have been able to have children or you’ve come to terms with living childless-  that there might be a time where you experience PTSD because due to the trauma you’ve experienced because of infertility.

For the past four years we’ve tried to add another baby to our family.

Two years ago we spent over a year going through two rounds of IVF. One year ago we decided to take a break and stop all treatment. That meant no more appointments, and no more going to my clinic.

About six months ago I needed to go back to my fertility doctor to have her remove some uterine polyps. But first I had to have a pre-op appointment.

That meant I would be going back to the fertility clinic for the first time in over a year.

What I didn’t expect was to experience flashbacks just by being there.

As I waited in the room for my doctor I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I started to feel anxious as if my body was shutting down. I just wanted to get out of there. I thought back to all the time I had spent there doing IUI’s  and IVF and I felt hot and sweaty suddenly. Flashbacks.

As soon as my sweet doctor walked in the room I burst into tears. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what was happening to me- but my body was reacting to all the trauma- emotionally and physically that I endured in that office.

My doctor was so kind and immediately acknowledged and validated that I had been through SO much there that now it was all coming to the surface.

And then it clicked. Because of the PTSD I experience because of Columbine, I realized that I too, was having PTSD symptoms related to infertility.  It made sense.

When I owned that thought and accepted it, I was able to embrace it. I was able to understand why I was feeling that way and it wasn’t so scary. I could say out loud to myself that it was okay to feel that way, to recognize what my triggers were.

Humans are complex. Our brain works in mysterious ways. And you can’t always control what you consider to be traumatic or not.

But the important thing is to understand what might be happening.

Maybe for you it’s feeling anxious and depressed  every year around the time  you had a miscarriage. Maybe for you it’s breaking down and feeling worried and scared when you become pregnant after having lost a previous pregnancy.

Maybe for you it’s every time you drive by your fertility clinic you have flashbacks of all the hours spent in that office. Or maybe for you it’s a feeling in the air, a smell, or a song that brings you back to the most emotional or traumatic part of your TTC journey.

We all have our own “Columbine” in our life.

Something that changes us. Something that alters our life. Something that strips us of our innocence and the way we once looked at life. Something that makes us put our guard up. Something that forces us to grow.

From my own experiences with PTSD and what I went through as a child and what I’ve gone through with infertility I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel however I am feeling.

It’s important to grieve and let it out. But it’s more important to move forward and to look for the good, too.

That can be so hard to do, and there are so many stages of PTSD, but know that you are not a crazy person for feeling that way.

Take care of yourself. Call in to work and stay home, hugs your kids and husband a little tighter, write in your journal, seek the help of a professional, meditate, pray- do something that helps you feel.

Infertility, just like any trauma deserves to be validated. Never push away what you might be feeling, and don’t tell yourself that “it’s not as bad as what someone else might be going through.” Because remember- this is your journey- not someone else’s.

This life is filled with so much beautiful and good. There will always be trauma and heartache sprinkled in between the happiness and joy.

The events at Columbine happened 18 years ago.

I may always have PTSD related to it, but as the years have gone on, the symptoms have lessened a little, or maybe I have learned how to channel them better.

And I know as time goes on, I’ll learn how to do the same with the emotions and feelings I have related to my infertility.

And so will you.

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On Feb. 12, 2007 there was a shooting at a mall called Trolley Square in Salt Lake City.

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