Earlier this year I found myself questioning whether or not I had truly found forgiveness related to a trial I had gone through in my life many years ago.

I hadn’t really given it much thought until this past year but I knew I needed to know for myself if I had.

It was important for me to understand if what I was feeling was forgiveness or not.

Being vocal about forgiveness was scary for me.

It was approaching the 17 year mark of the shooting at Columbine High School of April 20, 1999.

My social media feed was consistently filled with posts, interviews and opinions from all sorts of people expressing their thoughts on the tragedy that took place at my high school.

It made me step back and desire to know for myself where I stood. If I had forgiven – what did that mean?

Did it mean I was okay with what two individuals  chose to do that day? Did it mean I no longer cared?

Did it mean I was no longer affected by it?

As I sat and listened to Elder Duncan’s talk during General Conference last April part of his address truly resonated with me.

“TO FORGIVE IS NOT TO CONDONE.
WE MISTAKENLY THINK THAT IF  WE FORGIVE, SOMEHOW JUSTICE WILL NOT BE SERVED AND PUNISHMENTS WILL BE AVOIDED.
HE HAS TAUGHT US THAT WE CAN FORGIVE! EVEN THOUGH WE MAY BE A VICTIM ONCE, WE NEED NOT BE A VICTIM TWICE BY CARRYING THE BURDEN OF HATE, BITTERNESS, PAIN, RESENTMENT, OR EVEN REVENGE. WE CAN FORGIVE, AND WE CAN BE FREE!” — ELDER KEVIN R. DUNCAN

His words spoke to me.

It was then that I knew that  I had found forgiveness  but doing so did not mean I was condoning the act.

I felt so much weight lifted off of my shoulders.

I indeed felt free from the burden I was carrying with me all those years.

Everyone goes through different hardships in life.

People will  come in and out of our life who may hurt our feelings, or cause harm to us or those we love in the form of actions or words.

And there will come a time when each person will need to decide to forgive or not.

I know I have been offended by individuals and it has been hard to let go of those feelings.

I have had experiences where I knew I needed to forgive those who had wronged me.

I could see how my resentment toward others was affecting my emotional and spiritual well being.

“THE SAVIOR’S ATONEMENT IS NOT JUST FOR THOSE WHO NEED TO REPENT; IT IS ALSO FOR THOSE WHO NEED TO FORGIVE. IF YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE FORGIVING ANOTHER PERSON OR EVEN YOURSELF, ASK GOD TO HELP YOU. FORGIVENESS IS A GLORIOUS, HEALING PRINCIPLE. WE DO NOT NEED TO BE A VICTIM TWICE. WE CAN FORGIVE.”

I believe with all my heart in the power of prayer.

As I have prayed to my Heavenly Father asking for my heart to be softened toward others I have seen the difference it has made in my life and in my relationships.

Our world is a beautiful place with so much good. But these are trying times with a lot of evil and scary things happening. I take heart in the comforting words of Elder Duncan that forgiveness is possible.

“AS VICTIMS, IF WE ARE FAITHFUL, WE CAN TAKE GREAT COMFORT IN KNOWING THAT GOD WILL COMPENSATE US FOR EVERY INJUSTICE WE EXPERIENCE. ELDER JOSEPH B. WIRTHLIN STATED: “THE LORD COMPENSATES THE FAITHFUL FOR EVERY LOSS. … EVERY TEAR TODAY WILL EVENTUALLY BE RETURNED A HUNDREDFOLD WITH TEARS OF REJOICING AND GRATITUDE.”– ELDER KEVIN R. DUNCAN

For me- being able to forgive meant I was able to free myself from feelings of bitterness and hate.

I was able to see the blessing in my life more clearly and I could more easily see the joy that comes after the storm.

I am grateful for the Atonement and the ability to find forgiveness in my life.

The post What It Means To Forgive appeared first on Infertili.Tees.

While attending an infertility conference last fall I discovered three things that really stuck out to me.

As I watched people come and go I was able to observe and take in a lot of feelings and thoughts. And during that time I came away with three things that stuck out to me the most.

Three things that brought me comfort as someone who struggles with infertility.

Infertility does not discriminate

Like I mentioned, we met so many amazing people! I truly felt so much love for every single person who stopped by our table and took interest in our jewelry and our website. I felt connected to each person knowing that in one way or another they were struggling with infertility just like me.

This conference was a safe place. And I hope they felt it, too.

A place where you knew you were not alone in your struggle or your grief. A place where you knew others were going through similar things as you.

Every person was there for a reason. Those reasons may be different from person to person but you could feel the camaraderie shared by everyone.

As I watched all the different people come through it made me realize even more so that infertility does not discriminate.

There were so many different kinds of people that we met and  it does not matter your age, size, race, religion, income, job,  or background.

Infertility can affect anyone. Remember- one in eight couples experience infertility. And somehow, knowing basically anyone of any walk of life can experience it, brought me a little comfort. It helped me feel less alone.

Partner support is so important 

I was pleasantly surprised to see so many spouses attend the conference together. But then again, why wouldn’t they?

Infertility affects both people regardless of the reason of infertility. Coming together as a couple and supporting one another is so important. It made me so glad to see so many husbands and wives together  to hear the same messages.

If you and your spouse are not on the same page with your infertility, we challenge you to do what you can to change that. Whether that means you have a deep  heart-to-heart or you write your spouse a letter explaining your desire to have them support you more- we know it will only bring you closer together.

People care about infertility

At this conference there were several people who spoke- including doctors, those who have experienced infertility, adoption, pregnancy loss, surrogacy and child-free living.

The key-note speaker was Tiffany Alleman who was Mrs. Utah 2011 and although I did not hear her remarks everyone we asked told us it was simply amazing and inspiring.

As mentioned before there were close to 20 vendors in attendance all who are trying to make a difference in the community.

Each and every step that someone makes toward raising infertility awareness makes a difference.

And that is one of my goals.

I want you to know I  care, that others care, that infertility is not going away and that your pain does not need to be in vain.

You can use it for good- to help and educate those around you and to be a light for those suffering, too.

The post Three Things You Should Know While Going Through Infertility appeared first on Infertili.Tees.

This picture was taken on my sister Diana’s 17th birthday, which happens to be March 22nd.

On April 20th 1999, just a little over a month after this picture was taken, our world changed forever.
I often look at this picture and think back to what it was like pre-Columbine.

 It’s hard to remember because I’ve lived so much of my life after Columbine, but seeing pictures from before it happened is always a little tender for me.

 I was so innocent.  I had no idea what was coming.  We were just living our lives and had no idea what was right around the corner.

But I’m grateful for the innocence I had. I’m grateful that a school shooting was something that literally never crossed my mind.

Heck, even though I had just heard gun shots- when I saw my principal running toward us towards the direction of the gym my “innocent and naive” mind thought that a cheerleader had fallen off a pyramid routine and that’s why the principal was running. True story. I rarely tell that part of my story because it is so silly! But it speaks volumes.

Back then school shootings didn’t happen like they do now. Our kids today go to school having lock down drills knowing it could be a reality. I’m grateful I had 9 years of school under my belt before I had to even worry about that.

 It’s a silver lining for me, but so heart breaking for others.

As I think about my 15 year old self after going through Columbine, there are some things I wish someone had been there to tell me.

And there a lot of things I would have told myself then now that I have more perspective and time on my side.

I would have told my 15 year old self that she would be okay.

I would tell her that it was okay- not to be okay, too.

I would tell her that time does heal wounds and that time would be something to cherish and appreciate. And that “healing” doesn’t mean you are going to forget and it doesn’t mean you are “over it” or that you don’t care. It means the cuts aren’t as deep and sharp as they once were and that you now have scars instead of wounds.

And scars are there to remind you of what you’ve been through. It doesn’t mean it didn’t happen- because you know it did- but it doesn’t hurt as much.

I would tell her that life is still going to be hard – and Columbine might not even be the hardest thing you’ll experience.  Going through a school shooting doesn’t mean your trials are over. Be prepared for more of life’s unexpected blows.  But know that each trial and hardship will just prepare you for the next thing to come your way.

I would tell her that she would go on to have a really good high school experience.

That when she looked back on it- it would be the memories of friends, and teachers and fun weekends that she would remember fondly. And yes, the healing and grief of the trauma would be there, too.  But how amazing a feeling to know you got through it.

I would tell her that you will be help others one day because of what you are going through. And that will be the most rewarding part that will even make you feel at peace with what you’ve been through.

 You will show others that life can be happy again. You can help others see that life doesn’t have to be over and that there is so much good in the world and good to live for.

I would tell her that Columbine doesn’t have to define you. Yes, you are who you are in part because of what you went through. That’s okay! Our experiences are supposed to shape us into who we are.

But you  don’t have to  live your life  as “the girl who went to Columbine”. You are Cindy, and you went to Columbine, but that’s not what you are.

I would tell her that grief is a funny thing.

That Columbine will effect the rest of your life and that even though you will come a long way, you will always hold on to certain tendencies or actions and you will have to live with all the after effects of trauma.

And it won’t be fun. And it can  make life hard at times. But you will be stronger for it.

I would tell her to be prepared to have those nightmares forever.

 But in time, they won’t be every night, every month or even every year. But be prepared for them. And learn how to pick yourself up when you have those set backs because they can be so debilitating- but you can’t let it run your life.

I would tell her that giving messages of hope and faith and endurance and forgiveness will be the most important part of this journey.

I’ve had 20 years to think about things.

When I first started out on this journey when I was just barely 15 years old I thought my life was over.

I cried every day for a long time. I couldn’t see past my experience. And that’s normal to feel that way after going through a trauma like I did. And I, like so many other of my fellow classmates, just figured it out a long the way.

 We were some of the firsts to go through this. And I wonder if I had someone there to tell me these things, if it would have helped.

I’d like to think it would.

 But all I can do now is be grateful for each and every set back, and experience I’ve had because of it.

Because now I do have that perspective to look back and see the rainbow through the storms.

I’m grateful that I had 15 years pre-Columbine and I’m even more grateful that I’ve had these 20 years after.

The post A Letter To My 15 Year Old Self appeared first on Infertili.Tees.

You might find that an unintended side effect of infertility might be the loss of romance between you and your spouse.

Between tracking ovulation and all of those unpleasant doctor appointments it can be hard to be spontaneous and it can be easy to lose that spark.

Today we would like to share a few fun suggestions to help keep the romance alive while enduring infertility.

Surprise Him\Her

• Drop off a goody (their favorite soda, cookies, take-out, etc.) to your spouse at work

• Show up for lunch unannounced

• Pack their lunch for them to take to work

• Send a fun text during the day telling them why you love them

• Let them pick the movie for date night

Book a Getaway

A romantic trip to Hawaii won’t always be in the cards (and if it is- go for it!) – but don’t let that stop you from getting away together.

Get a hotel room for the night, drive a few hours to a nearby town, or go to a Bed and Breakfast. Do whatever you can within your budget and availability.

It  might take a little extra planning or effort but it is always worth it. Being one-on -one with your partner away from your regular routine is so important and it can help reignite the  passion you may be missing as you maneuver your life through infertility.

Make a Coupon Book

Cheesy? Yes. But sometimes you need to be silly!

Make a coupon book filled with things your spouse loves to do. It can be anything from leg rubs, to letting them pick the movie you watch. Taking that time to show your spouse that you care about them and their needs will go a long way.

Do Each Others Chores

Even though we do things pretty evenly in our household, there are always those few chores that we each take care of.

I typically do the laundry and my husband always takes the trash cans to the street on garbage night.

Think about what it is that your spouse typically does- and beat them to the punch!

Let them sleep in while you get up with the kids one morning, or surprise him by cleaning up his whisker hairs in the sink instead of waiting for him to do it (I may or may not be speaking from experience on that one!).

The point is, when you serve the one you love you will only love them more.

Schedule Time

Life is busy!

Add fertility treatments, hormones, and stress on top of “regular” day-to-day events and that can make life even more hectic.

If you have to schedule time to be together then do it. Make date nights a priority.

Even if that means making sure you both don’t have other obligations on the same night so you can stay in and cuddle on the couch. When you show each other you care enough about them to make time for them it can make all the difference in the world.

Put Away Your Phones

This is a big one!

Phones are amazing and needed in the time we live. But we all know how addicting and time sucking they can be. Set a “phone bedtime” rule for your house and stick to it. You might decide that you both put your phones away by 10 PM. How often does “I’m just checking my stuff” turn into an hour of mindless scrolling while you both sit next to each other on the couch?

Do what you can to stop that habit and know that once the phones are put away- it is just you and him time.

Love Notes

Love notes are timeless and never go out of style. Write a note in the steam on the mirror after you shower, stick a post-it note on the steering wheel of their car or sit down with a pen and paper and write out why you love your spouse!  Once you get started I’m sure you won’t be able to stop.

Sometimes we all need to be more intentional when it comes to making time for our loved ones. When life gets busy and hard it is easy to get wrapped up in our troubles and often our favorite people get the brunt of it.

Infertility can suck the life out of you and sometimes just getting through the day is all one can do. But if you take the time to show love to those around you- you will notice a difference in your relationship and your overall happiness as well!

We would love to challenge you to post on social media the ways you are loving your spouse as you battle infertility. Please tag us and use the hashtag: #triumphsandtrialsloveyourspouse

The post How To Keep Your Marriage Strong During Infertility appeared first on Infertili.Tees.

If you have been in the infertility world for even a short amount of time you probably have heard of the medication referred to commonly as Clomid.

By definition, Clomid (clomiphene) is a non-steroidal fertility medicine. It causes the pituitary gland to release hormones needed to stimulate ovulation (the release of an egg from the ovary).

So basically- it helps you ovulate and it is typically one of the first interventions an OBGYN or Fertility doctor might put you on when trying to aid you in getting pregnant.

If you want to learn more about Clomid I would recommend visiting this informative site.

What we want to share with you to day is brief testimonials of real people who have experienced Clomid along their infertility journey.

Text book information is great and all- but sometimes you just want to know what someone else went through- and you want to hear it in layman’s terms.

The following come from real women who have taken Clomid. It’s the good, the bad and the ugly.

But hopefully this helps you feel less alone or more prepared as you continue your journey.

Cindy

Clomid was the medication I was put on for the first time ten years ago. Even though we have male factor infertility, and I do not have a problem with ovulation- my doctor had me take it while we did our IUI’s. We were able to conceive two daughters while on Clomid combined with doing the IUI procedure.

Because I was only on it for a few months during those periods of time I didn’t notice what it did to me. Several years ago I was on Clomid for almost two years- with there only being a few months here and there that I was off of it.. It was during this time that I noticed how much it messed with my emotions.

It made me feel angry, sad, depressed, mad-  and all on a heightened level. I can remember a few times when I thought I was having a nervous break down. There were times when I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Of course, those emotions could also be attributed to the pains of infertility but now being off of Clomid for over two years I can definitely tell a difference and believe Clomid did attribute to my mental health.

Stephanie W.

Clomid. AKA the devil  medication. It  made me have hot flashes and night sweats well past being removed from it. Talk about mood swings? Whoa! Hubby told me if I ever take it again…he’s sleeping in the other room.

Alison J.

Clomid thinned my lining terribly and me feel like I was burning hell 24/7 it was the most miserable tiny pill I’ve ever experienced. As expensive as they are, I will take injectables any day over Clomid. I did 8 IUI’s and Clomid had no positive results.

Jennie O.

Clomid was good to me! Take it at night and the side effects are minimal, hot flashes- that’s it! If you take it during the day like I did during my first round I was ugly and mean. Several follicles – good size. No thinning on my lining.

Thripti A.

I didn’t have any side effects with Clomid. Unfortunately, Clomid didn’t work as expected. I barely managed to produce a single good-sized follicle 3 times I was on Clomid.

Amber

100 mg: Hot Flashes, mood swings, weird visual field stuff, night sweats and increased anxiety. 50 mg: Emotional, increased anxiety, and mood swings.

Kim K.

3 three rounds, only one I was emotional. I was on the lowest dose, didn’t mind it one bit. No success though.

Nicki T.

6 rounds, cysts, horrible mood swings, irregular bleeding while on it and the list goes one. TTC for 10 years.

Eleanor

The side effects were very mild. For me it resulted in a pregnancy on my 2nd round of 50 mg.

Unknown

My doctor would only do three rounds of Clomid due to serious issues it could cause to my health if I kept taking it.The only issue I had was by round three. It caused lots of heavy bleeding during my menstrual cycle. Other than that I don’t recall anything serious.

Cortney

It didn’t result in a pregnancy for me, but the side effects were manageable. I’ve seen this medication work for several other women.

Kelsey N.

I went through three cycles with Clomid. It had all kinds of negative effects on both my psychical and emotional health. Stims were much more manageable and didn’t leave me feeling like a crazy person.

Unknown

I have PCOS and i did four rounds with Clomid and I had headaches and cramps.

Leslie

Clomid….where do I start? Do I dare say I actually preferred stims over these horrible pills? Headaches and hot flashes galore! But did the job of helping me ovulate on  my good side every round!

Unknown

Clomid gave us our rainbow baby! I swear by it and hope it works again when we are ready to conceive in the future!

Jennifer A.

Did 2 rounds of Clomid. Never again! Headaches, nausea, mood swings- yowza! Didn’t conceive on either round.

Stephanie

Just finished round 2 (50 mg) post endosurgery. Definitely more side effects than Femara. It amplifies my crazy anxiety.

Unknown

I was on it only one month and hated it. Insane mood swings. It did induce ovulation in my and I started spotting at only 6DPO so it thinned my uterine lining way quickly for any type of implantation to occur.

Crystle

I did 6 rounds of Clomid. I honestly didn’t see a huge difference in how it affected me We did get pregnant on our last round with Clomid but sadly lost that pregnancy early on. We ultimately ended up having to do IVF

Emily C.

I had 6 rounds of Clomid- each time I had a positive test, however nothing came from it just mood swings and hot flashes!

Isn’t is amazing what we have to endure to even try to have a baby?

If everyone could understand what some couples go through to get pregnant than I  think fighting infertility would be made a little easier with more compassion and understanding from others.

We hope that reading the experiences from others helps you as you navigate your own journey. Remember everyone responds differently to medications but it is always smart to do your research and be made aware of the side effects that come along with it.

The post What Are The Side Effects From Clomid: Stories From Real Women appeared first on Infertili.Tees.

Father’s Day is coming up and I wanted to put it out there that Father’s Day might be just as hard for men, as Mother’s Day can be for women who are affected by infertility.

Surprised? Did you know? Had your thought about it? I’ll admit sometimes I haven’t.

On Mother’s Day we see beautiful quotes stating that you don’t need to have a child to be a mother.

And there are caring and thoughtful blog posts written reminding the childless women that they are not alone and that they are just as much mothers as the ones who have children.

But men affected by infertility have feelings, emotions and they hurt, too.

I think so often men feel the need to be strong for their wife, and they are often the ones holding up their spouse emotionally, and physically during the pains of infertility. Because of this, sometimes we might forget that even though they might hold in their emotions, it doesn’t mean they aren’t experiencing  feelings of sadness, depression, anger and hurt, too.

Just like all women can be a mother- with or without children- I want to remind everyone that all men can be fathers, too.

And Father’s Day might just be a tender day for them as well.

Even if they don’t shed tears, or talk about it openly, I hope we can all be a little more sensitive on this day to our husbands, brothers, sons, uncles and friends who might have that agonizing hole in their heart that infertility can bring.

I found the following poem and thought it was so eloquent.

God took the strength of a mountain, The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun, The calm of a quiet sea,
The generous soul of nature, The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages, The power of the eagle’s flight,
The joy of a morning in spring, The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity, The depth of a family need,
Then God combined these qualities, When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so, He called it … Dad

-Author Unknown

Did you read that?

These are qualities you can posses without even having a child of your own.

I also found the following quote and knew I needed to share it.

“Father is the noblest title a man can be given. It’s more than a biological role. It signifies a leader, an exemplar, a confidant, a teacher, a hero, a friend , and ultimately a perfect being.”– Elder Robert L. Blackman

I believe there are so many wonderful and kind, caring, nurturing, compassionate, loving, talented and generous men in this world.

And any man who possesses those attributes and uses them for good is very deserving of the name father.

For reasons we may never know, some men may never have children of their own.

But I hope they know what an important and vital part they can play in any child’s life. Whether it is with a niece or nephew, or a child from the neighborhood or church congregation- they can be a positive influence and make a lasting impression and touch many children’s lives.

With Father’s Day coming up I want to express my acknowledgment to the  men who long to be a father, to the men who might have children but yearn for more, and to any man who feels a tug at the heart when his righteous desires of adding children to his family is not being fulfilled in the way they hope- you are not forgotten. And I admire and respect you.

You are what we call an “infertility warrior”- and you are celebrated today because you hold the desire in your hearts to be a dad and because even if the role of fatherhood isn’t what you imagined, you have so much to offer and so much goodness to share with others.

Remember, the title of fatherhood is more than biological, and it is something that can be attained by simply being you.

The post To The Infertile Man On Father’s Day appeared first on Infertili.Tees.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: PTSD is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or a dangerous event. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can be described as a mental health condition that’s triggered by a trauma. Whether experiencing it or seeing it. The symptoms include flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, depression and confusion.

As a 15 year old freshman girl I was at school on April 20, 1999 at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado when two students opened fire and killed 12 students, one teacher, wounded dozens and then killed themselves.

This was my  trauma.

For years I didn’t realize that  what I was experiencing was PTSD. But I had all the symptoms.

Flashbacks. Anxiety. Depression. Confusion. Nightmares.

I used to think the only way someone could have PTSD was to have been a soldier at war. But now I know PTSD is so common and it can happen to anyone who has experienced a trauma.

Something scary. Something shocking.

Although I was not injured at the school that day I did hear gun shots.

I hid, I felt fear. I was confused, I was lost, I was angry. I felt as if I lost all control of  my life. I felt anxiety.

Sound familiar?

Going through infertility can bring up all those feelings, too. I know they have for me.

There are all sorts of levels of trauma. There is the trauma of being in a school shooting (like myself) and then there is the trauma related to infertility, which I also experience.

So what does my infertility PTSD look like?

I have been blessed with two daughters through the miracle of IUI.

But for ten years I have had dozens and dozens of doctor appointments, paid thousands of dollars in treatments, spent hundreds of hours with doctors, nurses, in the hospital or at the RE clinic. I have taken hundreds of ovulation tests, pregnancy tests and even more shots and pills.

My stomach has been in knots as I’ve waited for important emails and phone calls from medical professionals, I’ve waited anxiously in nothing but a gown in a cold doctor’s office.

I’ve felt the highest of highs  the lowest of lows and have felt as if my world was crumbling down around me. I’ve grieved. I’ve wept in my bed for hours,  and walked around like a zombie due to hormone medication that made me feel like someone I didn’t even recognize.

Sound familiar?

That is trauma.

It can be a traumatic experience to go through infertility.

So don’t be surprised if at some point on your journey- whether that means you have been able to have children or you’ve come to terms with living childless-  that there might be a time where you experience PTSD because due to the trauma you’ve experienced because of infertility.

For the past four years we’ve tried to add another baby to our family.

Two years ago we spent over a year going through two rounds of IVF. One year ago we decided to take a break and stop all treatment. That meant no more appointments, and no more going to my clinic.

About six months ago I needed to go back to my fertility doctor to have her remove some uterine polyps. But first I had to have a pre-op appointment.

That meant I would be going back to the fertility clinic for the first time in over a year.

What I didn’t expect was to experience flashbacks just by being there.

As I waited in the room for my doctor I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I started to feel anxious as if my body was shutting down. I just wanted to get out of there. I thought back to all the time I had spent there doing IUI’s  and IVF and I felt hot and sweaty suddenly. Flashbacks.

As soon as my sweet doctor walked in the room I burst into tears. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what was happening to me- but my body was reacting to all the trauma- emotionally and physically that I endured in that office.

My doctor was so kind and immediately acknowledged and validated that I had been through SO much there that now it was all coming to the surface.

And then it clicked. Because of the PTSD I experience because of Columbine, I realized that I too, was having PTSD symptoms related to infertility.  It made sense.

When I owned that thought and accepted it, I was able to embrace it. I was able to understand why I was feeling that way and it wasn’t so scary. I could say out loud to myself that it was okay to feel that way, to recognize what my triggers were.

Humans are complex. Our brain works in mysterious ways. And you can’t always control what you consider to be traumatic or not.

But the important thing is to understand what might be happening.

Maybe for you it’s feeling anxious and depressed  every year around the time  you had a miscarriage. Maybe for you it’s breaking down and feeling worried and scared when you become pregnant after having lost a previous pregnancy.

Maybe for you it’s every time you drive by your fertility clinic you have flashbacks of all the hours spent in that office. Or maybe for you it’s a feeling in the air, a smell, or a song that brings you back to the most emotional or traumatic part of your TTC journey.

We all have our own “Columbine” in our life.

Something that changes us. Something that alters our life. Something that strips us of our innocence and the way we once looked at life. Something that makes us put our guard up. Something that forces us to grow.

From my own experiences with PTSD and what I went through as a child and what I’ve gone through with infertility I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel however I am feeling.

It’s important to grieve and let it out. But it’s more important to move forward and to look for the good, too.

That can be so hard to do, and there are so many stages of PTSD, but know that you are not a crazy person for feeling that way.

Take care of yourself. Call in to work and stay home, hugs your kids and husband a little tighter, write in your journal, seek the help of a professional, meditate, pray- do something that helps you feel.

Infertility, just like any trauma deserves to be validated. Never push away what you might be feeling, and don’t tell yourself that “it’s not as bad as what someone else might be going through.” Because remember- this is your journey- not someone else’s.

This life is filled with so much beautiful and good. There will always be trauma and heartache sprinkled in between the happiness and joy.

The events at Columbine happened 18 years ago.

I may always have PTSD related to it, but as the years have gone on, the symptoms have lessened a little, or maybe I have learned how to channel them better.

And I know as time goes on, I’ll learn how to do the same with the emotions and feelings I have related to my infertility.

And so will you.

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For those in the TTC (trying to conceive) community and for our loved ones who know better- that joke can come across as insensitive and hurtful.

Today I want to share why I think it’s not funny to pull the “I’m pregnant”joke on April Fool’s Day– or any day for that matter.

I am in no way speaking for the entire infertility community, but I do speak for myself and I think it might represent what someone else feels, too.

I have been in this boat for almost eleven years. I have felt the ups and downs that come along with infertility. I have felt at peace with it, and I have felt broken by it.

I have gotten pregnant, and had babies, and I have felt the emptiness that comes with wanting more.

Why should you not “joke” about pregnancy?

Why does it “hurt” someone else?

Why is it a big deal?

When you are struggling with infertility- or miscarriage or infant loss- you experience many triggers that take you to a sad or hard place.

You will have good days and bad days, and just as with PTSD, or other traumas, something might hit you out of no where that sends you into a spiral.

I would venture to say that for most everyone who cannot get pregnant or has had failed fertility treatments- seeing  pregnancy announcements  can be  trigger.

I have to add this disclaimer: this is not to say we don’t love our friends and family members who are pregnant- because we do.

Because at the very least- pregnancy announcements can tug at the heart. It reminds you of what you want and can’t have, or what you’ve lost.

And for a split second your heart crumbles.

For some, that’s all it is. Then they can pick themselves up and move on and be happy.

For some- depending on where they are at on their journey- it is a trigger that can be so, so hard.

It might send someone into a fit of tears, or feelings of agony and despair (might I add that sometimes these feelings cannot be helped, it is a knee-jerk reaction that happens with no warning) ; it could send all sorts of feelings through your mind and body. Feelings of jealousy, anger and bitterness. You might feel sad, and wonder why? Why them and not me?

These are not fun feelings. And over time they lessen, are easier to control, or don’t last as long. But imagine having to be sent down into a spiral, to feel all the feelings, just to be told “Just kidding!”

It’s awful to add guilt for feeling jealous, or angry for “nothing”.

It can be hard to come back from that “place” and get back to normal. Once you’ve been hit with a trigger, or experienced such emotional pain, it is hard to snap back easily. Someone’s “joke” could quite easily send someone into a sadness or funk that lasts days.

For myself, after feeling sad after others announce pregnancy, I always eventually come to a place where I am okay and truly happy for them. But that has taken time, and it has gotten easier, then harder, then easier again.

Even for the person who has  truly gained peace with their situation- they might still remember the ache- and feel for their loved ones who are still in a hard place in their life. And seeing those announcements makes them ache for their friends and family.

I read an opinion on Facebook where someone was appalled that people were asking others not to joke about this. She said “we need to not walk on egg shells” all the time. And while I agree to an extent (people will always be offended by something) I think there are just some things we don’t joke about.

Infertility needs to be one of them.

Would someone joke about having cancer? Or the death of a loved one?

I really don’t think so.  Studies have shown that people diagnosed with infertility feel the same depression, heartache and emotions as those with cancer. If you haven’t experienced infertility this may same like an exaggeration, but sadly, achingly, I know how true it is.

That is why I am so passionate about sharing my story. And why I feel it so important to raise awareness and compassion. It is so common.

And while we can’t be politically correct all the time, or avoid everything that hurts us, I think we can at least do what we can to “try” not to cause unnecessary pain for others.

I firmly believe that when faced with whether to do something hurtful or unkind, we should all choose to just be a little more kind and to forgo doing something that might seem funny in the moment, and to choose compassion toward others instead.

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Because we had been unsuccessful with getting pregnant with IUI (after successfully getting pregnant through IUI twice before) my RE did an ultrasound before one of our inseminations and she noticed an abundance of uterine polyps and fibroid cysts. My doctor suggested that if that current round of IUI was not successful that we do another more intensive ultrasound to check the severity of the polyps.

Our tenth round of IUI did not work. We still were not pregnant.

We then went in for a *saline sonohystergram ultrasound. It was then she determined that I had quite a few polyps and some that were rather large.

My RE suggested I undergo a minor surgery to remove them.

At the time we felt that the polyps were a possible  reason our IUI’s were not working. Our doctor also explained to us that she felt this would remove a huge stumbling block for us and that removing polyps from the uterus is a common procedure they do in assisting those suffering from infertility.

Removing the polyps would clear my uterus and increase our chances of conception.  Our doctor highly recommended having the polyps removed before moving forward with IVF- which was our next step.

Having polyps and fibroids on my uterus was not only possibly affecting my fertility, but it was also affecting my quality of life during my menstrual cycle.

I learned that uterine polyps also causes heavy bleeding during your period, spotting and painful cramping- all of which I experienced each month during my cycle.

Uterine Polyps Symptoms:

• Irregular menstrual bleeding that varies in duration and heaviness
• Spotting, or bleeding between menstrual periods
• Infertility
• Vaginal bleeding after menopause

Because of our infertility and the symptoms related to my period- our doctor felt the polyps needed to be removed and she then scheduled me for a Uterine Polyp and Hysteroscopic Myomectomy Polypectomy.

That’s quite the mouthful, right?

 Uterine Polyp and Hysteroscopic Myomectomy Polypectomy is defined as being a surgical approach of removal of uterine polyps preserving the uterus. Uterine polyps are a kind of non cancerous overgrowth of cells of the inner wall of the uterus that extend into the uterine cavity. These uterine polyps develop in the lining of the uterus.

I would like to share my experience with having this surgery and hope it helps someone else who may need it.  While I hope my insight helps shed a little light on the procedure,  please consult your own doctor for instruction before your own surgery.

Preparing for Surgery:

After scheduling the surgery my doctor had me start a birth control pill on day 3 of my cycle to help thin my uterus lining. I took one pill a day up until surgery.

The night before surgery I was told to eat a light meal, and to start fasting at midnight.

The next morning I was not allowed to eat or drink anything before surgery.

I was told not to wear any eye makeup or jewelry in for surgery.

Day of Surgery:

This is an out-patient, same day procedure that takes place in a hospital. My surgery was performed by my fertility doctor.

I arrived an hour prior to my surgery time allowing time to check in, change into a gown and get situated in a room.

I was told to bring another adult to assist me through the process and be there during surgery, and to take me home.

At the time of the surgery I was wheeled out of my room on a gurney down a hall to the operating room. That was where I said good-bye to my  husband and he was sent to the waiting room.

I was met by nurses, my doctor performing the surgery and the anesthesiologist. I was given the chance to ask last minute questions and then had an IV started.

After that I was wheeled into the operating room. It was cold, and they covered me with warm blankets. I was then approached by the anesthesiologist who inserted medication into my IV to make me sleepy and go to sleep– as you are under general anesthesia during the surgery.

I remember up until that point and then I was out for the remainder of the surgery.

After Surgery:

The surgery takes about 15-20 minutes but it took me a little while to wake up after the surgery was done.

I was still in the operating room until I woke up, after which I was rolled back into my recovery room. Some people feel ill as they come-to but I did not feel sick or nauseous but I do remember coughing a lot and not being able to catch my breath. The nurse was also feeding me ice chips.

I felt very groggy and “loopy” for a while as I came out of the anesthesia and I was in the recovery room for about two hours until I was able to get up and walk on my own.

I was given juice and crackers as I felt ready to eat.

Recovery:

They tell you to not be left alone for about 24 hours after surgery. You are told to take it easy and rest for those 24 hours.

I was given pain medication and was told to be prepared for light bleeding for a few days. I felt discomfort for the remainder of the first day and into the second day but overall the recovery was not too bad.

What I Wish I Had known and What I Wish I Did Differently:

I did not know that I was going to be intubated ( a tube down my mouth to assist with breathing) during this surgery. The hardest part of recovery was the sore throat from having the tube down my throat. My throat was scratchy and sore for several days after surgery and it was difficult to talk and swallow.

My surgery was on a Friday and my husband had to work the next day. Although I was physically feeling mostly better I know I over-did it taking care of our two girls. I remember I also went to church on Sunday and at one point as I was talking to a friend I felt very light headed and groggy and I felt very weak.

My advice is to take the suggestion of your doctor seriously and rest up and take it easy.  Although this is a relatively minor surgery your body still needs time to heal, especially because of the anesthesia given and the pain medication you might be on.

After having this surgery we had high hopes of being able to become pregnant. Our doctor told us our chances were higher now that I had a cleared out uterus. Unfortunately, pregnancy did not occur and we are still waiting for our miracle.

Even though having this surgery did not end up helping our infertility- I am still grateful for the surgery and I am glad it was done.

Several times the thought came to me that as parents we would do anything for our children– and that includes the children we are hoping and praying for to come into our family. It has been a long and hard road, but having the surgery done and doing everything we could- was just one more way that we could should love for our future children right now.

Two years after having   the surgery I became  part of the 15% of patients who have the polyps come back.  I noticed my periods becoming heavier each month and I made an appointment with my doctor. She gave me a sonohystergram where she discovered more polyps in my uterus.

The recovery process was slightly different the second time around.

I felt more nauseous coming out of the anesthesia than the first time and the first day following the surgery I felt really cloudy and slightly crampy.

I felt no soreness in my throat because of the breathing tube which was a pleasant surprise.

After day  2 of recovery I was mostly feeling back to normal. After resting on day 1, I  was able to move around and mostly resumed all normal activity. The pain was not bad and I  only needed to take Tylenol to manage pain.

This is minor surgery and that benefits of having it done are totally worth it in my opinion.

*a Saline Sonohystergram Ultrasound can be done to investigate conditions such as abnormal uterine bleeding, infertility, and recurrent miscarriage. SHG can also be performed to see the structure of the uterus. Saline infusion sonohysterography (SIS or SHG) is a procedure to evaluate the uterus and the shape of the uterine cavity. SHG uses ultrasound and sterile fluid to show the uterus and endometrial (uterine lining) cavity. The ovaries are also seen at the time of SHG. The purpose is to detect any abnormalities. source

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Three years ago on St. Patty’s day we went in for our first fresh egg transfer.

It was St. Patrick’s Day which kind of goes along with a “feeling lucky” theme so I couldn’t help but think it was a good omen for us. How could we not “get lucky” on St. Patrick’s Day? After  months of endless doctor appointments, countless shots, pills, vitamins and medications,  and several unpleasant procedures- our first go with IVF simply had to work.

I remember being hopeful that it would, but I was not unfamiliar with failed fertility procedures either so I knew that there would be a chance that it would not be successful.

But our transfer landing on St. Patty’s Day gave me a little extra glimmer of hope on that day three years ago.

Looking back I can see how even though we did not end up with a baby from IVF- all was not lost.

Three years later I can see more clearly and the wounds aren’t as deep for which I am grateful. Time also allows the blessing of perspective- and my perspective has altered since then , too.

We ended up having a chemical pregnancy which is a very early pregnancy loss- but to me- I feel “lucky” that my body did stay pregnant even if it was only for mere weeks.

And for those few days after getting a positive pregnancy test- I could say that yes, I was pregnant. Even though our pregnancy wasn’t going to last I needed that glimmer of hope- and it was a blessing that was needed for me individually at that time.

So I don’t actually believe in being lucky- I believe in being blessed.

In life we all receive blessings. They won’t be the same as others either. And sometimes that is hard. So hard.

Through our infertility I am coming to learn that just because I don’t receive the same blessings as someone else, doesn’t mean I am less deserving.

It doesn’t mean I did anything wrong or that someone else is better than me. It just means our blessings are different. Our trials are different.

We are individual.

Even if our hearts ache and mourn for that which we do not receive it does not mean we don’t receive blessings in other ways. And it doesn’t mean that we are less than others or not good enough than someone else either.

I’m reminded of a quote that I love.

“Don’t you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don’t come until heaven….. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.”– Jeffrey R. Holland

Later this year will mark three years since our second round of IVF that ended in a chemical pregnancy. It might seem hard to see the silver lining in our hard moments. Infertility has shaped me, it has broken me and it has strengthened me.

And that strength is a blessing.

It has forced me to see the amazing blessings I have- while teaching me to never give up hope or faith. It has reminded me that putting in so much time and energy and effort into a good cause, such as having children, is a noble and worthy thing. It has built character that has helped me in other aspects of my life.

If you are reading this and have recently lost a pregnancy, or experienced a failed fertility treatment or  yet again received one more negative pregnancy test I want to tell you that hope is not lost. You are not blessed any less that anyone else- you are just blessed differently.

You may feel broken, and sad and mad and angry and that is okay.

But I want to tell you to look for the blessings, too. Even if it takes  weeks, or months or even years to look back on this time to see it-  I hope that one day you will.

“I’m not lucky, I am blessed”

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