For those in the TTC (trying to conceive) community and for our loved ones who know better- that joke can come across as insensitive and hurtful.

Today I want to share why I think it’s not funny to pull the “I’m pregnant”joke on April Fool’s Day– or any day for that matter.

I am in no way speaking for the entire infertility community, but I do speak for myself and I think it might represent what someone else feels, too.

I have been in this boat for almost eleven years. I have felt the ups and downs that come along with infertility. I have felt at peace with it, and I have felt broken by it.

I have gotten pregnant, and had babies, and I have felt the emptiness that comes with wanting more.

Why should you not “joke” about pregnancy?

Why does it “hurt” someone else?

Why is it a big deal?

When you are struggling with infertility- or miscarriage or infant loss- you experience many triggers that take you to a sad or hard place.

You will have good days and bad days, and just as with PTSD, or other traumas, something might hit you out of no where that sends you into a spiral.

I would venture to say that for most everyone who cannot get pregnant or has had failed fertility treatments- seeing  pregnancy announcements  can be  trigger.

I have to add this disclaimer: this is not to say we don’t love our friends and family members who are pregnant- because we do.

Because at the very least- pregnancy announcements can tug at the heart. It reminds you of what you want and can’t have, or what you’ve lost.

And for a split second your heart crumbles.

For some, that’s all it is. Then they can pick themselves up and move on and be happy.

For some- depending on where they are at on their journey- it is a trigger that can be so, so hard.

It might send someone into a fit of tears, or feelings of agony and despair (might I add that sometimes these feelings cannot be helped, it is a knee-jerk reaction that happens with no warning) ; it could send all sorts of feelings through your mind and body. Feelings of jealousy, anger and bitterness. You might feel sad, and wonder why? Why them and not me?

These are not fun feelings. And over time they lessen, are easier to control, or don’t last as long. But imagine having to be sent down into a spiral, to feel all the feelings, just to be told “Just kidding!”

It’s awful to add guilt for feeling jealous, or angry for “nothing”.

It can be hard to come back from that “place” and get back to normal. Once you’ve been hit with a trigger, or experienced such emotional pain, it is hard to snap back easily. Someone’s “joke” could quite easily send someone into a sadness or funk that lasts days.

For myself, after feeling sad after others announce pregnancy, I always eventually come to a place where I am okay and truly happy for them. But that has taken time, and it has gotten easier, then harder, then easier again.

Even for the person who has  truly gained peace with their situation- they might still remember the ache- and feel for their loved ones who are still in a hard place in their life. And seeing those announcements makes them ache for their friends and family.

I read an opinion on Facebook where someone was appalled that people were asking others not to joke about this. She said “we need to not walk on egg shells” all the time. And while I agree to an extent (people will always be offended by something) I think there are just some things we don’t joke about.

Infertility needs to be one of them.

Would someone joke about having cancer? Or the death of a loved one?

I really don’t think so.  Studies have shown that people diagnosed with infertility feel the same depression, heartache and emotions as those with cancer. If you haven’t experienced infertility this may same like an exaggeration, but sadly, achingly, I know how true it is.

That is why I am so passionate about sharing my story. And why I feel it so important to raise awareness and compassion. It is so common.

And while we can’t be politically correct all the time, or avoid everything that hurts us, I think we can at least do what we can to “try” not to cause unnecessary pain for others.

I firmly believe that when faced with whether to do something hurtful or unkind, we should all choose to just be a little more kind and to forgo doing something that might seem funny in the moment, and to choose compassion toward others instead.

The post Why The April Fool’s Day “I’m Pregnant!” Joke is Offesive appeared first on Infertili.Tees.

Those battling infertility often find themselves having a difficult time when others become pregnant and have babies.

It is a valid feeling, and normal and natural to feel that way.

But it is  the worst feeling, too. To not be immediately happy, or excited for those you love.

Over time you might eventually not feel that way but it takes a lot of energy, faith, prayer and resilience to get to that point.

It’s important to know that you can still be happy for others, while being sad for yourself.

Finding out someone else is pregnant can be a huge trigger for someone experiencing infertility.

It can make or break your day. It can can make or break your mood, your sense of peace and your faith.

It can send you down a path of sadness, jealousy, bitterness and resentment. It is the worst of all the feelings you can feel. Not only because it makes you feel miserable, but because you probably feel guilty for feeling that way toward someone you love.

If you are pregnant and need to tell someone you love who is battling infertility, there are a few sensitive ways you can do so.

Of course, you don’t have to think about others and how they might feel, you don’t have to be considerate of the feelings of those around you- but if you do care- then please take note.

Tell the person privately

You might want to announce your pregnancy at a big family gathering or on social media- and that is great! But if you know someone has been trying to get pregnant consider giving them a heads up before you do it publicly.

When you announce a pregnancy in a large group, those who may struggle with infertility might not have  control over how they react. It could take all the energy they can muster to not burst into tears right then and there- therefore taking away from your big moment.

When you tell someone in private it gives them time to gather their thoughts, feelings and composure before having to hold it together in a crowd or even in front of one or two other people.

Be compassionate

Yes, this is your pregnancy and you have every right to be excited and happy- but if you are about to tell your sister, best friend or co-worker that you are pregnant do what you can to offer support.

I have had relatives and friends preface their announcement to me by recognizing  my heart- ache.

They told me how they know it can be hard for me to hear people are pregnant but that they love me and wanted to tell me themselves. They validated my journey and made it easier for me to be honest and open with them.

Text, phone call, email, message

Sometimes telling someone via text message, email, or phone call is the best policy.

Know your audience and your relationship and decide how you think that person would want to be told.

Being told someone is pregnant through a text message might be offensive to some people, others might appreciate the space it allows them to gather their thoughts before responding.

When you get an email or text with that announcement it gives you time to process the news and not have to react face-to-face.

Don’t keep it a secret

No matter how much it might hurt to hear one more pregnancy announcement, it will hurt even more for a close friend or family member to keep it a secret. I would much rather know about it than know my loved one was afraid to tell me, or trying to keep it quiet. Through open communication you can both better understand one another.

As in all things, honesty is always the best policy.

A few closing thoughts 

It is a given that we cannot always know how people might respond to different events in our life.

Pregnancy is a miracle and a joyful thing- yet it can be so hard to hear about when it is something that is not happening for you.

And unless you’ve been there- unless you’ve experienced a loss or infertility we don’t expect you to understand that pain.

But yes, it might make me sad to know you are pregnant.

Just know that I am feeling sad for me and for what I cannot have and I’m not mad at you and I am happy for you the best way I know how.

The post How To Tell Your Infertile Friend You Are Pregnant appeared first on Infertili.Tees.